Thursday, June 29, 2006


Super 1998 RENAULT ESPACE RT DT GREEN MPV Item number: 170000740580

On 26-Jun-06 at 16:47:19 BST, seller added the following information:


I've been away for a couple of days. I'll get going on the replies today. It's a bit slow at the moment only a couple of hundred waiting for me when I opened up my mail box this afternoon.

So here are the first few, I'll tackle the rest after a stiff drink tonight - from a quick glance at my inbox the Recycle Bin will be putting on some weight.

I appear to have got a small amount of racist, bigoted rubbish that some people believe is humorous. Let me say right here and now - the short cut to the bin is to email gunge like that.

Ok on with some of the questions - from the first couple I appear to have gained the status of a medium. Also so now lets extend the description to no swaps and no fortune telling. I don't do the future or make predictions. If I could the National Lottery would be boring for the rest of you.

Paulie there are 7 seats - see description above. That kind of gives quite a bit of a clue as to how many people it will seat. Takes deductive logic I grant you, and Ok have to admit that I am making the assumption that you would want them all to sit on seats and stick within the law etc. - as I am learning on ebay - take nothing and especially no one for granted.

That's a tough I know you? Nope, don't think so. Have I ever clapped eyes on your family? Nope, don't think so. Do I know what make and model of dog you have? Also no. So given the fact that I have no idea how big your family actually is, nor do I know how big your dog is, just what predictions do you actually think I am able to make about whether or not you will all fit in the damn car?
My question back is - can your wife actually drive? What exactly am I meant to do with a question like 'will my wife be able to drive this?'. There are of course other questions I might need the answers to, to be able to tell you... Questions like - Is she alive? Is she old enough? Can her legs reach the pedals? Indeed is she human - you do hear of some weird marriages between species...Give me a clue at least.

Charles, I am genuinely happy for you - I really am. You sound soo happy who couldn't be happy for you? The only thing that baffles me is what on earth has your relationship got to do with this auction? Further I have no idea why you would want to email a complete stranger and tell them a) how much in love you are, b) what a great lover she is and c) that you will be visiting Leeds next month. Do you need an MPV to: a) deepen your love? b) keep your love life on a plateau ? c) get to Leeds in?

Yes it has a Jack

Yes the radio works

Yes there are loads of paper work for it and I mean loads.

Oh Hi Bob

Yes all the windows work - you can see through them. ???

No there are no dents.

I have a what way exactly can a cup holder not work? It's a like asking if a golf hole works? You put things in them - how could that not work? Are you asking if they are full already? Am I missing something here?

More after a barrel of beer tonight. I can't face any more revelations about the ability of people to attend to an auction. Please, it really is easy. See something you need. Make sure it's what you want. Bid, win, buy, give me the money and I give you a great deal and a fab MPV. When I do it the other way around it appears to work quite well. I don't think I have ever looked at a book and mused - I wonder if any of the words are missing? Have all the pictures been coloured in yet? Has anyone ever eaten a bun reading the book? Nope never a thought.

On 26-Jun-06 at 21:59:00 BST, seller added the following information:

Ok I have a beer and I am feeling ready to tackle the deluge:

· Kippers or joints? The "has anyone smoked in the vehicle" question is now the second most popular question after the cup holders variations of course. I, nor any of my family / friends smoke. (If you want any help with such weaknesses / addictions contact me - I'm serious but it will cost you.) Now about the previous owners and all it's passengers in it's 100,000 mile history...all I can say is there is no evidence of such (bits of coughed up lung, yellow slime etc etc.) however I, but a mere mortal who failed their A level mediumship examinations at school.
· Kay, there has to be an easier way to get an MPV than offering to marry the seller. Just a thought but had you considered buying it? It's a lot less hassle honest. Fair enough, you won't get the gifts, cards and funnymoon but even then I think if you examine the options you'll find it's a better deal than your proposed action. At least you can sell it on when you want a new model without having to split the house, pensions and having a fight over who gets custody of the cat.
· Ppppplease whilst I am sure that it is hilariously funny at your school to boast that you have sent 'that guy on ebay' a piccy of your bum (I assume that's what it was - the focus needs a little work) it doesn't really cause me to want to converse with you. And yes young lady as it happens I can guess your gender; either that or you have a serious problem young man.
· No air con.
· No sunroof
· No damp
· No rust
· No Accident damage
· No you can't. It hardly fits with anything that could possibly be termed as a normal inspection. It's an MPV not a campervan. Just out of curiosity do you often allow random people to sleep in your car outside your house? I'm not sure I really want to know the answer to this but why would you want to?
· Yes I have the V5
· There is a saying creeping into our language like some form of insidious linguistic Mexican wave; "No drama". - For example take the next few emails...Will you swap your MPV for a ..... if not no drama. (No f%^&*ng swaps ok????). Does it have central locking? If not no drama. (yes by the way). Can I rent it for the weekend if not no drama. (no I'm not rentaMPV) Can I fit a towbar to it if not no drama. (once you have bought it you can fit a bar, paint it day glow pink and cover it with pedigree chum and sparklers if you want). No drama?? what do you mean no bloody drama??? Do you think I'm about to start writing episodes of Eastenders because I won't swap? No drama! Hadn't you heard - life's a drama. Therefore no drama no life. Fit's I suppose.
· Sat nav??? On an R reg at this price? Sort yourself out.
· Hello again Bob, yes it really does have all that number of cup holders even if you did ‘never realise that’. I am sure that there is some form of Espace cup holder forum somewhere on the net. Why don’t you try to find it and report back? I won’t rest until I have heard the results of your research.
· Eh? Is it petrol or diesel? Do you have attention deficit syndrome or were you given a blood transfusion from a goldfish? By my count there are at least four references to the fuel type.
I can't take anymore....

On 27-Jun-06 at 10:27:49 BST, seller added the following information:
Win two tickets to see Madonna Live -

On 27-Jun-06 at 10:38:24 BST, seller added the following information:
I was right. I didn't want to know. Have you tried counselling or just a reality check with the average person on the clapham omnibus? Maybe you hadn't considered this but doesn't it strike you as being a little odd you don't see many people sleeping in their cars in remote rural car parks on the off chance that it might be a dogging (don't ask) site? Anyway what you do with the car once it's yours is up to you...

On 28-Jun-06 at 07:18:42 BST, seller added the following information:

Last few - been busy. The press are playing with this now should be interesting to see what assumptions and despirate leaps of semi-logic that come up with. Watch this space....

I think the term I used was - I 'took' it to... - this is a past tense. Ergo before now - in the past. This does not imply present use. So your assumption "As it is still being driven around ... well quite frankly without foundation in the arena of logic and deduction. I think I also have stated at least 3 times no tax. There is no tax. It is not being driven now. I know you asked for a short answer however I wouldn't want you making any unwarrented assumptions now. ;-)
No tax
No dents...again.
Yes the windows go up and down. You expect maybe that they swing out like sealed double glazed units?
No there's nothing growing in it. I think you have confused this with a 'garden'. I know it's green but not that green.
Oh I see no - no there is no mold or fungus - where have you got your cars from in the past? Ah I know you've only had small cars ones without mushroom in them. Sorry had to be done.
That's it for now. good time to bid.

Q: does it have ' i wish my wife was as filthy as you! ' written in the dust on the bodywork?
A: Can be arranged, why not bid win and think of all the fun you can have writing all sorts of witty stuff all over it like - also available in green, - don't wash - crops planted or - Do not disturb - bacteria being cultured or 'Hey all life has to start somewhere' or 'This car is clean - maybe it's just your glasses' or 'Clean car clean mind. Dirty car ...' etc etc. So much fun to be had.

Q: Hi, thanks for making me laugh like i havent laughed for a long time !! i just read the questions & indeed your reply . pure class, i may even bid ! cheers Geoff
A: Good - get going then. See it as a small contribution to a more colourful world.

Q: Would you consider breaking this vehicle, as I need some door handles for the same, will give you a fair price for them?
A: Sure, give me oh £3600 and the door handles are yours. I'll even throw in the cup holders. Platothefish

Q: Hello my name is not bob or donald but could you tell me how many cup holders are there? Thank you for the galaxy ad it was brilliant. cheers lez
A: And so it starts...the car has only been on a few minutes. Bob, Donald and now....Lez with a 'Z'. This car is a cupholder on wheels. Must have been designed by someone called Bob or Lez with a 'Z'. You will be able to spend many happy hours moving your cup from holder to holder in this. Indeed your cup holder over floweth with space. So Lez with a 'Z' lets do the maths together. 7 seats each with it's own cup holder plus space for bottles/tins. There are soooo many bloody cup holders I just ran out of time trying to count them. Tell you what if you bid I'll count them again for you. Platothefish

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Super Silver 2001 CITROEN XSARA PICASSO SX 16V MPV Item number: 4646346659

This is the point when the auctions hit the internet. This auction was viewed by over 6500 people and ended up on many forums and blogs. Examples being FARK and The Register. The emails went from 100's to 1000's per day.

The latest....

On 26-May-06 at 09:09:00 BST, seller added the following information:

A quick roundup of the questions - here we go again...

The interior is in very good condition.
Yes it has front fog lights
Yes and rear ones too, Howard.
No I will not give you Donald's email address or send you the pictures. I am not an introductions agency Please read the warning on item no 4643413619
Yes they do work, Howard.
No Howard no 'blown' bulbs. Ever thought of putting all of this in one email?
Oh hi Bob, (see item 4633452260) nice chat with Dick Chaney? Sorry I'm not even going to answer that. Does your mum know that you have access to a computer?

On 26-May-06 at 17:24:06 BST, seller added the following information:

Next batch of questions:

Not sure what I would do with a Shetland Pony in the middle of Oxford, Jason (and please don't take this as a challenge to find a 1001 uses of a Shetland pony in the centre of a city - I get enough emails as it is) but thanks for the offer. NO SWAPS.
It's 5 speed - that's the gears by the way not the ability to do only five physical speeds (like 10, 15, 25, 30 and 70 mph) before someone thinks ...That must have saved me getting at least 34 emails.
I don't guarentee much in life but I will guarentee that its not nicked or under any HP.
For all those who think I'm being a bit hard on Bob, tell you what, send me your email address and I'll pass it on to him. You could always set up a Bob appreciation society, nurture him, go for long walks along station platforms and giggle at the same inane TV programmes together sitting holding hands in matching anoraks. He is feeling a bit down at the moment as the White House didn't answer his emails apparently - no sense of humour some administrations. Be warned he does manage to put emails out like a demented spam bot.
Yes I have the V5 log book
I'm off for a drink.

On 27-May-06 at 22:27:37 BST, seller added the following information:

OK first thing thanks to all those who have sent their good wishes.

Secondly to the 56 'Bobs' who in some strange matrixesque syncronisity have all emailed me in the last 24 hours the answer is no you can't be my special friend.

The first point I would make is that I think that you need some form of parental really shouldn't be offering this sort of thing over the internet; your Mum really wouldn't like it.

The second point is that given the fact that 56 of you all decided to contact me at pretty much the same time from a number of different countries is you have to admit a little odd. Have you ever thought that you might actually be Agent Smith? I'd get a check-up I were you.

Ok on with the questions:

The tyres are good
The clutch is good
The handbrake is good
The lights are good
The radio is good
The CD is good - are you getting a picture here? A pattern forming maybe?
More no doubt later.

On 31-May-06 at 23:18:20 BST, seller added the following information:

Ok last comments. I would like to say thanks the 100's of people now emailing me about cup holders every day. I would like to but I can't.

I am very heartened by people like rasberryberry and quite a few others who took the time to email me and say 'I like your car'. Great, show your appreciation by bidding now.
How on earth am I meant to answer that? Not being psychic working out if it has ever been smoked in is a little on the difficult side don't you think? My powers of deduction however are reasonable - The ashtray is as new and the cigarette lighter has by the looks of it, never been used and there is no smell of anything but car. That should also be taken as answer the numerous questions about the presence of, dogs, cats, sheep, hamsters and any thing else people (particularly ebayers) could possibly be allegic too. Ok and I really don't need anyone to point out that such beasts don't use ashtrays and lighters thanks, just get on with your life.
To the lone American who emailed to say that you didn't like my reference to your Vice President in a previous advert - tough springs to mind. You were never going to bid anyway. however whilst I am the topic I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not the only one in the world not that impresssed with the performance...

On 04-Jun-06 at 20:04:40 BST, seller added the following information:

Firstly thanks for the messages of support following the pond life that bid last time and didn't pay (item 4643892069). I do seriously wonder about the purpose of some peoples lives. Anyway as you will see in the bidding history, if you have less than 10 positive bids and want to bid for real simply contact me first. Otherwise you will go the way cars4u0606 ( 0 ) has. Bid removed and blocked from bidding until (I was going to say until the next ice age but on reflection the probability of the next ice age happening is somewhat higher than cars4u0606 ( 0 ) or grahamcode113313 ( 0 ) No longer registered with eBay has of getting to bid on any of my stuff again.).

Oh and as happened in a previous auction don't come after the fact and say you didn't know about the rules. Blocked means blocked, even if you did want to bid for real, if you don't ask first I will just change the reason for your being blocked from 'failing to comply with auction rules' to 'lack of intellect - shouldn't be driving'. - Go and try a different planet.

Ok to the questions:

Try this neat trick - r-e-a-d-i-n-g or getting someone better educated to read the description for you. 5 seats - now lets count them together shall we? One, two, and over in the back we have three, four and the last one makes five. Yes! just the same number as the little piggies you have on one hand or foot (on average, given BSH. (British Standard Human)of course). There wasn't that fun? And now through the round window today we have clouds. Yes you can have so much fun trying to walk on them....
All the lights work.
I really haven't the foggiest - ask Citroen. I have to admit of all the artists you wouldn't want designing your car Picasso would come pretty high on the list wouldn't he? Beaten into second probably only by Dali. Can you imagine? The Citroen DALI SE (Surrealist Edition) 2.5 Hatchback...well more of a hatch / coupe / clock / melty thing actually. Citroen have got it all wrong when you think about it. The car version is way too neat and ordered - the steering wheel should really be underneath, the seats stuck to the outside sides of the car with the wheels at random corners and the exhaust would have an analytic converter of course.

On 05-Jun-06 at 15:24:36 BST, seller added the following information:
Where did you go to school? I am now getting emails about the analytic exhaust! What is it with people? There must be something being slipped into the UK water supply, possibly by the government to increase the stupidity quotient of the population in the hope that we don't notice all the taxes and other cute ways of getting us to work for less. Bob (another one - I am getting suspicious about people with this name), Gerrard, Sally and Dean all emailed to say didn't I mean catalytic converter? No as it happens I didn't - It was a pun on on the idea of Analytic Cubism which was the first phase of cubism developed by Picasso and Barque between 1907 and 1912. Stop sending people irrelevant emails and start buying. If it hadn't escaped your notice that's what ebay is about. Buy and in particular buy this MPV, you will feel so much better for it.

On 05-Jun-06 at 22:03:41 BST, seller added the following information:

Thanks for the offer. Now just so that I can be sure that I have this right you want me to write for your magazine. That's nice. This is a magazine that you sell and what's more you make a profit from. That's nice too. You want to give me a regular slot doing an article a month for you. That's also nice. This will help you sell more magazines. Nice as well. You don't want to pay me for writing articles for you to sell. That's the end of nice.Just so that you are aware the Slavery Abolition Act stopped such practices in 1833. We also have a minimum wage in the UK. I've heard about tight but thats tighter than a ducks bum.

Yes you can test drive it - evenings are the best time.
The heating works very well, just the ticket for June with temperatures in the 20's (Celcius).

On 06-Jun-06 at 01:53:29 BST, seller added the following information:
Pay instantly with your debit or credit card through PayPal.

On 06-Jun-06 at 18:56:50 BST, seller added the following information:

Firstly I didn't add the thing about preferring paypal. I prefer cash for vehicles - that way there can be no dispute. You get a great car and I get the money at the same time.

Secondly, Yes it drives very well, it is very smooth.

Thirdly, yes you can have it inspected before the end of the auction. I welcome any inspection by the likes of the RAC or AA etc. Just look at my feedback all my descriptions are spot on. This is a very good vehicle you will be well pleased with it.

Fourth please I have enough photographs of people's wives / girlfriends. I will not swap this car for your wife - Try Relate. Hmmm I might have an ebay auction of wives and girlfriends I have been offered for an MPV with pictures. That should end a few relationships. Maude, sorry I don't take husbands either dear. No I'm not sure how you put up with him, he sounds awful - why on earth would you possibly think I would want him?

On 06-Jun-06 at 19:07:16 BST, seller added the following information:
Sorry you want to swap him for ME??? Er Maude.. he may have no sense of humour, is fat, has no teeth, is bald, hairy in all the wrong places (ugh) and eats like a pig but I'm not up for auction or swapping and I hate to say it but you married him. Yes I agree that was over 50 years ago but I don't do an old for new service. Try leaving him out with the recycling bins - you never know.

On 07-Jun-06 at 00:54:57 BST, seller added the following information:

For crying out loud, haven't people got jobs to do, lives to live or beds to go to? Thanks largely to something called FARK (???) and 'The Register' (sounds like something you did at school) I suddenly appear to have become the clearing house for every wit in the northern hemisphere. I can't delete the emails with references to cupholders fast enough. There must be a cupholder website for people like you somewhere. Thanks guys just what I needed in my life - more bloody emails. If it wasn't for the lack of sex (or the brand I prefer anyway) a monastery is starting to sound like a good career move at this moment in my hitherto uneventful and quite life.

On 07-Jun-06 at 19:43:53 BST, seller added the following information:

Last few....why me?

Sort yourself out - what am I tourist information all of a sudden? No the pedals in the UK are all the same as in the US except we have three of them usually, except when we don't - ask for an auto I wouldn't want you to get confused. Enjoy your holiday in the UK. **************** what like these astericks? Maybe ebay just won't allow Americans to have the astericks in emails. Should have the same rules about weapons too.

The bumpers are fine - this is an excellent vehicle. You will be well pleased with it.

Q: hi just wondering do you have all previos mot or hpi check to confer mileage is genuine or has car any claims or accidents
A: Mots present and no accidents

Q: Did you ever fit your wife and 5 kids in it and if so how
A: You make an assumption that I still have a wife.

Q: How much is shipping to New York, USA? I may need it shipped overnight for a camping trip I am going on. Does it have any bloodstains?
A: $1million and not yet but they could be arranged. You volunteering?


June yes JUNE 2006 Glass's Guide - never opened Item number: 4643413619

You know what it's for.

You know who doesn't want you to have it.

You know how much money you can make / save with it.

So get the JUNE 2006 edition now! Yes bang up to date retail and trade prices.

Brand Spanking New, all shiny and unused.

The guide will be posted 1st Class Recorded Delivery as soon as your payment has been received.

On 25-May-06 at 21:47:25 BST, seller added the following information:

Here we go; the ebay great and good exercising their brain cells - and both of them appear to be in fine working order this month:

Yes it's for car prices - what do you think its for - opticians?
No there are no pages missing - there do appear however, to be not an insignificant number of ebayers with a few pages missing...let me introduce you...
Do you see the word NEW in the ad? Yes me too, therefore NOT USED does spring to mind. Whilst we are on the subject of 'not used' and 'minds'....
Yes it is the latest guide. Unless you live in a different space/time continuum or work from a different calendar to the rest of the human race (I do admit to making somewhat of an assumption here as to your species) June would appear to be the month following this one. Therefore unless I have dropped into some form of treacle borne universe where my time has irrevocably slowed, or that given my life appears to be one exciting whorl wind of meeting such fascinating creatures on ebay that I hadn't actually noticed June slipping past, then yes the June 2006 edition is the latest guide. Sniff... whats that smell?? Smells like singed neuron to me.
Can I just say here and now if anyone else asks for me to send them the photos (see item 4633452260) from Donald and his wife I will publish their email addresses here for all to flame them. This would be a just punishment for making two assumptions. First is the assumption that I am sad enough to have kept the photographs - trust me they were not pretty. Secondly that I would collude with your unhealthy sexual habits...(yewe! ugh). I think that there is enough rot on the www without spreading any more. You have been warned.
Hey what can I say? Let's start with NO. If you want the trade price for a Daewoo buy the bloody book - I'm not an information service. I shudder to ask, but what are you doing considering a Daewoo? I am proud to say I know of no one who owns such a vehicle and the people I have seen driving them, I have to say, don't exactly inspire confidence.

If you are confused about any of the questions and replies that are here or want to see the orginal Galaxy ad go to where all the questions and replies reside. There is also the multiversity blog at (requires a higher IQ). The serious Ambiguity Advantage blog is at


On 26-May-06 at 09:51:07 BST, seller added the following information:

For the love of....

I had no idea that there were so many Daewoo drivers on ebay (on reflection...). Sorry Ginny or is it Ginnie or Ginne my statement stands. How the hell can you argue that Daewoo drivers are 'normal' people when you send me an email where you have (miss)spelt your own name in three different ways. 'Normal' people as you put it know how to spell their own name. How was school? Hard? - I bet. I reckon you were a little confused to get such low marks in the exams especially when the teacher told you that 5 marks were guaranteed just for putting your name on the paper. Dear me where are all these people living? Is there some estate somewhere not on the maps, hidden away by the government that it keeps quite about - like the old nuclear bunkers, just in case a census reveals the real educational attainments of the UK?
Now there's an idea - I know MENSA has quite low membership numbers but I wondered if a membership organisation called DENSA would be more successful. Being able to spell your own name would probably bar you from membership, but owning a Daewoo would put you right up there in their hall of fame, board level no doubt.

Yes it will be sent to you as soon as I get the payment.
Yep by first class recorded, Bill - read the ad.
Yes if you want it by special delivery I can arrange that - no probs
Bill, why the 'f' did you ask all those questions about postage and then ask if you can pick it up as you just live around the corner? I have a horrid feeling the estate I speculated about above could be some what closer than I feared.
Ok enough bid!

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